I saw these incredibly cool pictures of Natasha Kai earlier, and it reminded me that in a rash moment, I signed up for my company's annual soccer tournament next Friday. I haven't played football for more than 6 years! And I am so looking forward to it, cos damn, I used to love playing and I miss it.
(I use the terms soccer and football interchangeably in this post - if you're american, I'm talking about soccer...)
When I was in my second year of primary school, the girls had to sew while the boys went out to play football. It didn't help me much, I still can't sew. But I can play football. I didn't start to play until I was at university, but once I began, I knew I'd found a sport that rocked my world. I loved everything about it....I loved the smell of the grass and the mud; I loved going out to play on frozen pitches on foggy Sunday mornings; I loved arguing with stupid men who told me that "girls can't play football"; I loved the kit, the boots, the shin pads, the shirt; I loved the passion and the release; I loved the women who I played with, because I'd finally found women who were a bit like me.
I played best on the right wing. I was fast, I was vicious and I never gave up. If I lost the ball, I would chase it down until I won it again. I would run until I couldn't run anymore, I was proud of every bruise and I inflicted a few too.
Somehow playing football allowed me to express parts of myself that I'd always felt were inappropriate and unacceptable. I could get angry, passionate, aggressive, dangerous...and take it all out on the ball. Score a goal, make a tackle, win a match...and all that pent-up energy and emotion can just pour out of you.
It was also a way of sticking my finger up at society's expectations of what a woman should be. Female soccer players shout, scream, and sweat. They clench fists. They have muscles. They have passion. They have balls. They don't sew. They kick ass.
In 2003, I got pregnant and moved to Portugal, and that was the end of my playing days. These days, I can't to commit to spending every Sunday playing matches and two nights a week training, even though I've been tempted. Coaching is something I'd love to do though, especially a girls' team. When I began playing, I was already 20, and women's teams were still few and far between in England. Very few girls had played football as children. By the time I stopped, that had changed completely, many girls had played at school and as a result, the standard of women's football has risen incredibly. If I'd been born 10 years later, or even 5, there would have been so many more opportunities.
One of my favourite parts of football match days was getting dressed, pulling on my jersey and shorts, pulling up my socks, lacing up my boots. As well as the nerves and adrenaline, there was a real joy. As I put on my football clothes, I could stop playing a role and just be myself. Out there on the pitch, everything else fades away and that's where I felt most at home and most alive.
Maybe this is what I'm looking for with this triathlon, to show that I'm still Shazza. That I still have that passion and that drive. I need to prove that to myself, I need to believe it.
Anyway, just because I can, here are some of my favourite football pictures. Natasha Kai, Marta, Karen Carney (twice) and Brandy Chastain all totally alive, totally kicking ass, living the passion:
